So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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