why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
