I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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