the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
