i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
