I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
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