Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
