btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
