oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
apparently the secret to your success is patron
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Randomize
