Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
cat food counts as protein by the way
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
