Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
