I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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