Taylor Swift is so right about you.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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