yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
