you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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