Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
