Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
