we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize