I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
