im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
