I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
