I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
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