The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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