I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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