hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
My pussy is not your playground.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
