My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
