I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
