let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
