My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
