Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
