Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
