9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
