so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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