I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You are a genius and a whore.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
