is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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