if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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