If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
