And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
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