I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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