I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
