i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
