I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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