You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
