John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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