Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
smell my finger.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
