I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
