i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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