I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
