Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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