i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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