Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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