You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
