but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
