I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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