So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
