Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
