I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
