and you said cock pushups were impossible
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
