I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
