my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
