So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
