thus making me awesome and them whores
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
