im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
