please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
